Hi Kevin,

I have a problem that maybe you can help. Once I get into these relationships with women, it is going great but once 2 months hit I freak out, panic, and do the "Oh my god, is this the person I'm suppose to be with?" And then I break up with them and go to the beach and get drunk for two weeks and then leave really weird messages on their answering machine. Since you have been in a long term relationship I was hoping you could help. Am I doomed to have these hurtful relationships forever or is their one girl out there for me? Yours truly,

Steve Stevenston.

All is not lost Steve. Many, many people are in the same hurtful situation as you. I myself am not one of them, but they exist everywhere. Failure to commit is a very common of a problem. From who we share our intimate feelings with, to choosing between japanese and mexican food for lunch. It always comes down to a few simple choices. Before I start reciting textbook examples of infidelity and abandonment issues, perhaps we should address a more modern conclusion. After all these are modern times and if you are half the David Bowie fan I am Steve, then I know that you believe in "modern love." It is possible that maybe your personality is too complex to share with just one person. You may be an individual that requires the combined love of several special people. Complexity can sometimes be a relationships greatest gift. But let's face facts, that is a long shot at best. The reality of this situation is that you are not getting any younger and there will come a time when not even you, will have the energy to put up with your antics. To avoid the "loneliness factor," I suggest applying the following technique. Join some sort of social scene. Nobody like a loser. Those after school specials can preach all the exceptence they want but the truth is the truth. This will also give you a chance to meet someone with similar interests. Interests=friendship=love-relationships. It might also be time to re address your look. I suggest the possibility of growing a beard and the inclusion of slacks into your wardrobe. A well developed patch of manhood under your chin could be the perfect addition for a struggling young man such as yourself. Looking like a relationship makes you ready for a relationship. Always remember, the first relationship you must commit to is a relationship with yourself. If you are in touch with yourself others will wish to touch you as well. In the end it all comes down to a few simple choices. Japanese or mexican my friend, japanese or mexican.

best wishes,

kevin.

dear kevin,

I drank a flat of pabst and two big bears last night. I am not questioning the whiskey dink but I was wondering about the burning ring of fire. Do you have any cures for this?

sincerely, B.R.O.F.

Dear B.R.O.F. ,

There are two possible answers to your question. Firstly if by "Ring of fire" you are referring to the group of active volcano's that surround the coastline of the pacific rim and the continental plate anyone of which could erupt causing a catastrophic chain reaction with enough collected energy to dwarf the destructive force of a hundred atom bombs thus destroying civilization as we know it, then no, I do not have an answer. We must put are faith in the skilled scientists and government officials who monitor and maintain our precious environmental surroundings. If you are referring to "Ring of fire" as the after effect of a night on the booze wagon then i suggest eating a full meal, wearing your best pair of sneakers (cause you feet are the gateway to good health) and if anything drink more booze. Nothing beats drinking ailments like more drinking. I suggest shots of iced vodka. It should be warned that this type of reckless behavior has been known to take years off your life, but lets face facts, those years are at the end of your life and they are usually crappy anyway. Go out on top. Your a hero. As Kurt Cobian said via Neil Young "It's better to burn out that to fade away."

Love always,

kevin.

Dear Kevin;
 
So I got this problem, eh, and was wondering if you could help me out.  I went to naked beach today and saw someone shitting their nuts.  If you don't know what I'm talkin' about I'll explain...
when a dude is naked and bends over with only his fanny pack on and you see his balls between his legs and then stands back up and his sack is still between his legs by his buttocks it looks like he has shat his own balls...its kinda disturbing but amazing at the same time.  I don't know if this is an advice question for others but i need to know for myself.. Do i stare in amazement or look away?  Do i keep looking for curiosities sake?  I don't know, please help me out.
 
Yours truly,
 
A.S.B
(Amazed at the shat balls)

Dear A.S.B.,

Indeed this is a question concerning the masses. I too have been at the naked beach and been saddled with the question of whether to stare or look away. Although this type of problem deals deeply with our understanding, as a community, the little differences between the eternal struggles of young and old, black and white, rich and poor, ultimately it comes down to basic human amazement. From what I have gathered from my many "research based" visits to naked beach and many other clothing optional facilities is that there are no rules and that is the way the locals prefer it. Since in general staring within the western world is poor edicate, I believe we must rule out the full out gawking at the shat balls. However I do feel for your sense of amazement. After all you are mainly staring as a sort of tribute to the producer of the shat balls and other naked beach phenomenon. why not speak up and praise the creator of this human masterpiece. By acknowledging your appreciation of the balls you have lifted the awkwardness of the situation and given yourself a free window to stare. You are now not a creepy weirdo, but a appreciator of the human form. A simple "fantastic shat balls" is the necessary catalyst to kick start this icy relationship between creator and viewer. I think you will find this simple act of kindness will open many doors for you, and allow you to marvel in the sight of naked maneuvers that you only dared to dream about. And you never know, A shat balls compliment played to the right naked beach fanny pack dude could result in a kings bounty of free jamaican chutney. Let's see your friends top that!

live the dream,

kevin.

***on a side note, if anyone is interested in some real naked adventures in the vancouver area I suggest checking out the Newton Wave Pools family nude swim.

To Romaniuk;
I got a major problem...
I have a phone disorder...I get really loaded and start calling people...at an indecent hour of the night.
usually I have one victim in different stages in my life that gets the phone calls.  I must say that these people over the years have put up with nasty messages and phone calls but some are very loving and endearing...but sometimes its creepy...it even creeps me out.  But they are still in my life full force and haven't judged me over it. But im sure there will come a time when someone out there is gonna not want to take it.  I will clarify on the phone calls...they aren't booty calls just a mere phone call with a sloppy drunk on the other end.
Then I tend to not remember what i said or what was talked about.  I was thinking of getting a shirt made and putting some letters on it.  So when I look in the mirror I have a reminder of not doing annoying things...like phoning people.  As for myself I don't mind the drunken phone calls.  I find them entertaining...But that is just me...I know a lot of people that get really mad when it happens.  So my question is how can I stop phoning people in the wee hours of the morning when im drunk.   How can i possibly get that under control besides cutting back on the booze? 
Sorry to anyone out there who has crossed my distructive path of phonecalls and thank you for putting up with my bullshit.Thanks Kevin...thanks for your time...
sincerely,
HANDICAP
Hammered annoying needy desire in calling after primetime
p.s. Thank God I don't have a Cell Phone

Dear HANDICAP,

I too have been the victim and perpetrator of those oh so tasteful after hours calls. Since i have not been able to find a way to get people to stop making them, I suggest that you at least make them interesting. For example if you are going to call someone up late at night on a weeknight when you know that they have to work the next day be a little more original than just the usual firing them from their job or asking them to give their boss a chin adjustment, tell them you have kidnapped their cat, or that their boyfriend has just been arrested for solicitation. If you are going to wreck someone's night you might as well get the police involved. Be warned though, when they discover that it is you, and they will because you will not be able to disguise you drunk ass 's voice, be prepared to be called a wash up, and pathetic loser. Also be prepared to have that person bad mouth you to all your inner circle of friends thus destroying your creditability as the cool guy who "never pull stupid shit like that." Remember, revenge is cold. Whatever you decide to do, don't cut down on the booze. That kind of "adult" decision making behavior is not going to help anyone, and finally do not under estimate the effectiveness of the booty call. Win Win!

your dearest friend,

kevin.

Kevin Romaniuk Artistic Trust. 2006